Focus on your potential.
Tag Archives: Overcoming Fear
When my blog goes silent for a while, one of two things is going on…it is tax season or I have fallen in a rut.
It is not tax season.
As strange as it might sound, it all started with a really bad haircut.
I don’t know what possessed me but I let my stylist cut my hair really short in a bob, after all it looked really great on her!
Holy. Crap. One of the worse decisions ever.
And there is no way on earth to hide that kind of dramatic change.
Now, two months later, my hair is not like it was aka long, but it grows closer daily.
So the big secret that is not so secret to those who know me, I have been down.
One thing that has been hard for me is my sister living in California with her family. They’ve been there a little over a year.
I’ve known my sister for forty-one years, she is my best friend and in all those years, including this last one, we have only lived apart (as in not living within driving distance) from each other five, maybe six years.
At one point, we were even roommates in college.
I’d say we are kinda close, and not having her close to me is a pretty big deal in my world.
I did get to see my sister and her family twice over the Thanksgiving break and I cannot tell you how good it feels to hug someone you love and have missed so much.
Work has had me anxious too. I am still in the uncomfortably learning phase. Some of it I did before, I like that part. Some of it is new, and that part is uncomfortable until it becomes comfortable.
No one is yelling at me or saying that I am doing things wrong, actually they have said I am doing well, it is just an internal anxiety and it total sucks.
I’ve been in positions before where I didn’t know everything about a job and in time I learned it and got a pretty good system down in the process, so it will happen here too.
I also haven’t worked out a very good routine yet because of the commute. The distance between my house and work is no big deal. It is just all of the traffic that gets in the way.
I do think if things were going well in other areas of my life, I wouldn’t have such anxiety about my job right now.
I guess the biggest area of my life that really needs to see some change is my social life. I’ve been single a long time, mostly by choice, but now I would like to meet someone, and I would really like to meet some new friends too.
Most of the friends I have are married or married with children so things are different, and I don’t have gobs of them like I wish I did.
At 43, it is kind of hard to just go out and make friends. I haven’t figured out where to start.
I know I need to get involved in something I care about, and dating sites and bars are not my thing, plus feeling down and anxious, gotta admit, not really great motivators. So, as you can see, I am still trying to figure out where to start part.
And right about now, you are probably wishing I had remained quiet.
I wanted to post a piece since it has been so long, and unfortunately this is all I’ve got.
I know this will pass; I just hope this too shall pass with some positive changes on the other side.
I am pretty light and bright when I am happy.
And I’d like to feel that way again soon.
But it is coming!
This past weekend was one of the hardest experiences I have had in quite some time.
And let me tell you, I have done many a hard things.
The best thing I can liken it to was when I went through lifeguard training in my late thirties when just about everyone else was in their mid to late teens.
Talk about hello, this is challenging AND I am old in this world.
But I held my own and was offered three jobs on the other side of it, which I turned down because I didn’t feel ready.
I proceeded by taking the lifeguard training course all over again soon after, passing again, and deciding, yeah, lifeguarding is boring and I’d rather be swimming.
Boring unless something tragic happened, and then I didn’t want anyone’s life resting in my hands.
I went into this aerial yoga training already challenged.
I am in the midst of changing jobs and I have shared how things are heading south daily as my current employer is not too thrilled that I am leaving.
Although I get it, it totally sucks going from about a 95% job approval rating and many thinking you hung the moon and the stars to what I have shared in previous posts.
And to top it all off, I started my period the day before training.
I mention that because I cannot explain to you how physically draining that can be, and you’d only really get it if you are a female.
The yoga took care of any pain or discomfort, but it could not restore the fatigue I came into this weekend workshop with, both physically and emotionally.
The first day I was originally a little uneasy because all but three in the group were already yoga teachers.
What gave me peace of mind was that the teacher recognized me from her classes, and I was one of the few who had done aerial yoga, so at least I didn’t have that fear.
The first day proceeded well, although by the end I was sore, bruised, mentally dumb and even more exhausted.
Too exhausted to study what we had learned for the next day of training others in a more formal manner.
And that is when my panic set in, I cannot do this. Not today.
I told the teacher early on, arrangements were made to keep the day flowing and all of my pent-up stress and worry was immediately released.
I got to be an observer.
I got to be involved without the stress of trying to remember a,b,c let alone showing it.
I got to practice, and I got to watch to see how others did it.
As I watched the teachers teach I did however realize, damn, I could have done it too!!
But I did not regret my decision.
The coolest thing for me was seeing the other non-teacher nail her turn at teaching.
In my opinion, she did the best and it came naturally.
Now if I had done it, I could not have touched that with a ten foot pole or many of the other teachers because I don’t have a daily yoga practice….yet.
That was the whole purpose of this training for me, getting one step closer to making yoga a daily part of my life and then being able to teach others.
The only thing I am lacking to be considered an aerial yoga teacher is doing the practice training of others and 10 karma hours of teaching others for free (all the other teachers still need to fulfill this part too).
So I am not sure if I have to take it all over again, or if there is a way for me to pop into a future training or class to assist a teacher to complete the program.
To be honest, I’ll deal with that after I get through the next three days. hahaha
So today, I am shifting gears back to work, which thankfully I didn’t have the time or mind to think about over the weekend, and begin training the new girl.
And maybe, just maybe, I’ll get up tomorrow morning and do a little yoga.
Because that is so not going to happen today! hahaha
A co-worker was talking with me this morning.
I don’t know how the subject came up, but he told me about his mother who passed away.
She had Alzheimer’s disease.
During the last few years of her life she kept a journal.
She wrote daily about what she was feeling, what she was going through, and about the things she regretted never trying.
From what I understand, she had a pretty good life and she was a pretty good artist.
My co-worker’s dad has hundreds of her paintings hung throughout his home, and when he passes they will be donating them to raise funds for a charity.
He shared with me how his wife has read the journal, but he couldn’t make it passed the first page because it broke his heart.
His voice still catches when he talks about it.
I told him, perhaps you don’t need to read it, just take away from it the less regrets part.
Do more things that you want to try so you won’t have the same regrets.
I don’t think we can live a life without some regrets.
But I do think we can have a lot less regretting, and a whole lot more of at least trying some things in our lives going on.
It was a normal morning for me.
I got up before the crack of dawn and was as quiet as a mouse can be fixing a cup of coffee who’s machine grinds the coffee beans loud and proud with each pot that you brew.
Cup in hand, smoke and lighter in the other (so not cool, I know), I gently eased open the sliding glass door waiting for the annoying yet ever so gentle beep, beep, beep the backdoor is open.
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD an alarm like you have never heard streamed and echoed throughout the sleeping neighborhood!
It was 4:30 am and guess I wanted others to greet the morning with me. Hello. Good morning.
I jumped out of my skin, coffee went flying all over the place, the dog became very alert, and my brain was rattled because it scared me so badly.
Seriously, I didn’t know what to do or what was going on.
Probably because I hadn’t had my cup of coffee yet. Wearing it doesn’t seem to have quite the same effect.
My sis came down the stairs glaring at me like What the F***?
My bro-in-law right behind her let me know that I was one lucky bleepedly bleep as he was going for the gun until he remembered that I lived there and I had my annoying morning ritual.
Traumatized I tell you, traumatized I was.
In their defense….(a) they aren’t morning people, (b) I don’t think any working parents can be and (c) my kicking the habit had been a long time in coming, and most definitely, in their opinion, should have been realized by that moment in time.
This is the scene that plays out in my mind every time I go into work.
We have an alarm at work, and each day, I hope like all get out (read: hell) that someone else has beaten me there.
To date, I haven’t set the alarm off.
To date, I have only had to disarm it a couple of times.
To date, I have to coach myself through disarming the alarm like it is a bomb and it is up to me to save the world.
To date, this is the most stressful part of my job.
And for the record, if the alarm should go off on my watch, I will fall to the ground and fake an injury while bellowing….. Help! Someone Call 911! I Have Fallen And I Can’t Get Up!
I share this with you because… you know it is tax season when you are going into work on the weekend.
Fingers crossed that today is not the day that I have to fall down and play dead.